the mourning after
by himynameisyoli
Summary: Pandora's thoughts about the morning after she lost her virginity to cook. One shot.


**the mo****(u)****rning after.**

The sunlight streaming in through the blinds woke her. She looked around at trash strewn across the floor, the broken glass, and the whole night before came rushing back to her. She lay flat on her back for awhile and thought about how terrible the whole thing was, and how it wasn't fair that she spent most of her birthday locked in a bathroom while her mother was passed out. And while Effy and the others thought only of themselves and how much drugs they could do and how much sex they could have and not about _her _or what she wanted or how fucking sad she felt because her boyfriend had gotten sent back to the Congo.

"No one ever thinks about you because you're useless and you know it" she whispers to herself. "But Thomas thought about you and Thomas didn't think you were useless."

The person next to her rolls over and puts his arm around her, and then his hands find her breasts and he cups them softly. "You have great tits, I ever tell you that? Well you do. What are you mumbling about, anyway?"

She closes her eyes. "I don't have much experience with this, but if I'm correct, after a one night stand one of us is supposed to leave. And since this is my house, I think it should be you." She opens her eyes and looks at him out the corner of them; he is looking at her, "so bye."

He rolls back over and is now on his back, looking at the ceiling just like her. He laughs and it is a deep down laugh and a raspy laugh, maybe because it is morning or maybe because he always laughs that way. She doesn't really know, she's never really cared. "I guess that's fair, that's protocol. But I don't consider what…transpired between us to be protocol. You were my student and I was your teacher."

She furrows an eyebrow and sits up. They passed out on the plastic cover spread out on the floor. When she sits up she hears her clothes as they separate from the plastic, her body is sticky from the dry sweat and plastic. There is dried up blood on the spot where he fucked her and she tries not to look at it because it makes her think about what she's done. "Well, if you're a teacher…I would be the one leaving. And since this is my house I still cannot leave so I don't know what you're trying to say to me."

He sits up too and scoots over in front of her. He really is beautiful, in his own way and in a way that says what she did was wrong. Wrong no matter how much she wanted to finally be rid of her nagging virginity or how much she wanted it or how _good _he made her feel the entire time. He reaches over and wipes a stray hair from her face, he smiles at her. "What I'm saying is that there's no rulebook that says we have to do anything or that I have to go anywhere." He kisses her again, kisses her like he did so many times last night and she pulls away, looking down at her hands and away from him and the sunlight.

"I have a boyfriend."

"I'm not looking to be your boyfriend."

"My mum will be awake any moment now and I will be in enough trouble as it is."

"Fair enough, Panda." He stands up and stretches before bending down to pick up his shirt. He pulls it over his head and puts on his shoes, "you gonna walk me out or what?"

Everything is silent as she puts on her pajamas from the night before, the one her mother made for her. She remembers what he said to her after they'd done it, that she'd looked sexy in a forbidden way with that pink thing on that said, "Panda-Poo." She knew that it was supposed to be flattering, that she was supposed to have liked him finding her sexy because usually no one ever does, but she didn't. She didn't want something her mother had made for her birthday to be "sexy" and she didn't want him finding her sexy because he wasn't who she wanted.

Once they are outside in the early morning breeze she feels as if she can think again. Things aren't that bad, her boyfriend _is _thousands of miles away and it's not like he could pop her cherry anyway. And what she did last night has nothing to do with her or him or what they mean to each other, it was purely to get the whole sex thing over and done with. She thought of the way he kissed her—everywhere, and how he'd been much gentler than she was expecting and she smiled. "Thanks, Cookie. You're the best!" And she leans over and kisses him and he grins.

"No problem, Panda. Call me anytime you need me, I am quite the dedicated instructor."

She smiles as he walks off and turns to see Effy appearing from behind the bushes. Even in last night's dried and runny mascara, with mussed hair and looking every bit the picture of someone's whose heart is breaking more and more everyday, Effy looked beautiful. Pandora understood her role more than she'd ever let on. She was the plain, goofy, naïve best friend who knew nothing about nothing; she followed Effy dutifully and assured her that everything was perfect in her world even if it wasn't, even if everything about Effy's world was fucked up.

Before she could say anything, Effy was cutting into her with words. Asking her if he'd been good and trying to make Pandora feel as miserable as she did. Pandora watched this beautiful girl break before her, and wondered how anyone who had the world could be so sad and miserable, so oblivious.

"What?" Asked Effy, her tirade delayed.

Pandora realized she'd been speaking her thoughts aloud, she yawned. "It's early and I have to clean up my house because of the mess you left behind. While you were being miserable and pretending that you're the only one with problems, I was crying my eyes out because my boyfriend's gone. And then I come out of the bathroom finally…when the noise has all stopped and I could finally _think _and my house is ruined, ruined. And all I wanted was to play twister and forget for a little while. And Cook was there, and he played twister with me and then he taught me sex and it was brilliant. But I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about it, Eff. Because I am _always _here for you and you are never here for me.

You never stop to ask me what's wrong, or ask me questions about my life, or ever even get to know me aside from being your sidekick, another person to fawn over you. But I'm not, Eff, that's not all there is to me. I'm not stupid either, and I may be a bit naïve but at least I can admit that, at least I'm not always running. You don't even like Cook, and we both know it, so don't yell at me like he's yours. Because he's not; and besides, I don't want him anyway."

"The one you want is back" whispers Effy, and Pandora looks at her confused. Effy is looking past her towards something in the distance, and she turns around to see him running towards her at full speed.

She is overwhelmed and starts to cry. She can't control the tears and she thinks of how much she missed him and how much she loves him and how she never took his necklace off. Not even to shower, not even when she was being fucked by someone else. It seems all of time has frozen when he runs up to her and drops his bag, the smile fading as he sees her tears.

"What's wrong, Panda? What's wrong?" He is so sincere and so sweet, it only serves to make her sob deeper. Effy pipes in and tells him that nothing is wrong, and tells him to hug her. He takes her in his arms and runs his fingers through her hair, she still smells of the night before and this makes her sob even harder.

"I…I missed you so much" she whispers, and it isn't a lie.

She tells them they ought to go to make it easier for her to face her mum alone, distractions would only make things worse. He kisses her forehead and cups her face in his hands, telling her she is the light of his eyes. She looks down. Effy holds her hand and tells her she'll call.

She goes into the house alone and looks around at the mess. She sits down on the Twister cover and looks at the red spot. She traces over it with her fingers and whispers a sweet goodbye before she goes and gets a wipe. She thinks about him even though she knows she shouldn't, and she collapses and cries as the sunlight streams in through the blinds.


End file.
